9 Things I Learned From This Year's Simbang Gabi Masses

Simbang Gabi: a tradition in the Philippines during the Chrsistmas season of having a nine-day series of masses before Christmas. It is usually celbrated from December 16 to December 24 at dawn. There are also anticipated Simbang Gabi masses at night from December 15 to December 23.

I'm not a religious person. I pray, but I guess somehow, I learned a few things from going to mass.

1. Whether you like it or not, God has a dream for you.

2. God works magic in His own time, in mysterious ways.

3. There are patterns that happen in each family, in every generation, it's up to us if we want to break it or not.

4. Everything, life, our family, our friends, love, even the bad things that happen to us, is a gift.

5. We should be thankful for every little thing that happens to us.

6. There are times in life, when we just have to listen.

7. We can't survive life without a sense of humor.

8. Christmas isn't about the presents. It's about putting a smile on people's faces, making them happy for even just a few moments.

9. The secret to everything is in you.

The key to failure is trying to please everyone.

Going Back

I'm going to Baguio tomorrow. To visit your house. To see your things.
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I honestly don't know if I should be happy about this or not.

I still think about you. Help me, please? And Arik and Mari too? We're all going through some tough times right now and we need your help. I miss you.

Living for the Future

I constantly worry about my future. I worry that I will not get into my desired college (*cough* Ateneo *cough*). I worry that I will not have a good career or a good life after college. I worry about all the difficulties that I may go through tomorrow. But most of all, like any normal student out there, I worry about my grades. 

School gets out at 4pm, during Mondays to Wednesdays. Thursdays our dismissal is at 3, and on Fridays, our dismissal is at 2. After school, I usually get fetched at around five, and I usually arrive home at 5:30. Then, I change, and start studying. I continue to study until 9 or 10:30, and then I go to sleep. I spend half of my weekends studying, and the other half not studying, but constantly giving myself a tongue-lashing because I should be studying. 

This is nothing out of the ordinary. Students nowadays stay up until midnight just trying to get their homeworks done. If you ask a student why he/she wants to do that, then they will answer, "Because I want to get into a good college." Then once they get into college, they will continue to work hard and when you ask them why, they will answer, "Because I want to be successful and get a good job." Once they start working, they will still work hard and if you ask them why, they will say, "Because I want to have a happy retirement." Once they retire, they will still continue to work hard, but this time, I honestly don't know why.

We worry too much about the future when it will never come. We work hard so that we will have a good future, but what about our now?

A few days ago, my chemistry teacher was telling my class about how we should stay serious and not make a joke about everything. He told us that by this time we should start thinking about our future. I have nothing against that. I have nothing against planning ahead because this will lessen the hardships that we will experience in the future. 

But is the future all we think about? What about living in the present? I mean, we spend our whole lives living for the future when that's all it will ever be. The future. It will never be our present, it will never be our past, it will always be the future. The future will never come because every moment that we're in is the present. 

I'm sick and tired of worrying about the same old things. But knowing who I am, even if I don't like this habit of mine, I will forever worry about my future. 

Promises

We talked about promises during English class today. As an opener, our teacher asked us, "What is the first word that enters your mind when you hear the word, promise?" It's sad to think that most of our answers (including me) were words like trust, broken, hurt, sad, and so on. Is that what promises are supposed to be? Aren't promises supposed to be forever?

But why does it seem like a promise is so easy to break? Why do promises bring sad memories? I mean, promises are supposed to last forever. They're supposed to be kept until the end.

We make so many promises to our parents, friends, school, society, and ourselves. And sometimes, the hardest promise to keep is the promise that we make to ourselves.

There's this saying that promises are meant to be broken. But why would you even make a promise when you're not going to keep it anyway? It doesn't make sense.

What happened to all those pinky promises, those cross my heart and hope to die promises, those 'till death do us part promises? What happened to them?

Tumblr

So... I recently started using my tumblr again! It's the place for me to fangirl and go crazy while still keeping my dignity. It's not that personal because I mostly just reblog stuff, but I do post ocassionally. Don't worry, I'll still be writing in this blog. :) Check it out and follow if you like it! A Temporary Fix

Here's a link to the About Me part of my tumblr too: All About Me

I do hope that you like it! :)

If Only...

If only I wasn't so scared all the time...
If only I were taller...
If only I were smarter...
If only I told you everything... 
If only I took the chance...
If only I said the right thing...
If only I didn't walk away...

If only things were better.

So it's been raining hard for two days now and so many places around the Philippines, and especially in Metro Manila, are already flooded.

Please please please pray for us, Filipinos! Especially those with no roof on their heads. :(

That Moment

That moment when you get home from school and there's no one there to meet you by the front door.

That moment when you get home and you realize that you're too late.

Tu me manques.

Hello Weekend

So, weekends are supposed to be for relaxation, right? They're supposed to be the breaks that we get in between school days so we can rest. Well, I don't think so.

Weekend Agenda:

• Study for the English Form (make a reviewer).
• Reread Oedipus the King.
• Read and study about Quantum numbers and their principles.
• Study for a quiz on Greek civilization (make a reviewer).
• Read chapters 13-15 of Noli Me Tangere.
• Rewrite my Social, Chemistry, Geometry and Filipino notes.
• Do my POEM extra credit.
• Memorize how to introduce myself in French.
• Watch the ADMU-DLSU game. (not school related, but VERY IMPORTANT)

Sometimes I wonder if I even have time to rest anymore. I barely have time to read any non-school related books aka books that I actually like. But it's not like I'm not used to this. I mean, this has been going on for the past month.

When will I ever have a break?

Déjà vu

My little brother's at a sleepover, while my older brother's out of the house and will be back later tonight, so I'm sort-of the only child right now. Which means I can write in peace.

So anyways, I had a really fun day today. I know I keep on saying it in my posts, but I really love my class. We had so much fun today in every single subject and they cheer me up even in the smallest of ways. We laugh at even the smallest of things. I'm so thankful that I have such an amazing class.

You know that feeling when something happens to you, and it's exactly like something that also happened to you before? Well, I had that feeling. I experienced déjà vu awhile ago. Like someone told me something because of this certain reason. But exactly last year, give or take a few days, someone else told me that exact same thing, because of the same reason. Uhm okay, does that even make sense?

Oh well.

Forms

It's been almost a month since junior year started and I am already so exhausted. Form 1 (our prelims/preliminaries) is this week and my schedule is so cramped up because of all the homeworks, projects and the studying that I have to do.

Our Social Studies and Math forms are on Monday, and I think the Social form is worth 80 points, while the Math form is worth 50 points. Huhu I can't believe I'm saying this, but exams please come back. :(

But I have to say, that I'm actually loving all of this. We had our high school acquaintance party yesterday, and right after that I went to one of my classmate's house to do a project, and it was the most fun I've had in a long time. I love my class, my teachers are okay, and my friends are the best.

Despite all the studying that I have to do, I think this is gonna be an awesome year.

Now excuse me while I lock myself up in my room, and go have a date with my World History book.

Wise Words

Can I just say that my teachers are awesome? Okay, well not all of them. I mean, there are some that I don't like but I think most of them are starting to grow on me. This year's going to be great. It already is, and it's only been three weeks of classes.

So a few days ago, during math class, we were talking about deductive reasoning. Deductive reasoning is when you have two statements that are treated as facts or the premises of the argument. Based on the premises, you have to form a particular conclusion or valid argument. For example, if you're given the statements, "All apples are fruits," and "All fruits grow on trees," we can then conclude that all apples grow on trees. That's deductive reasoning. Okay, I hope you got my little math lesson there.

Anyways, we were answering some exercises on that, and our teacher (let's call him Sir J), was asking us to conclude certain statements using deduction. One of them was, "Students of Sir J's POEM class are smart and beautiful. You attend Sir J's POEM class." So, the correct answer for that would be "You are smart and beautiful." Being the teenage girls that we are, we quietly gave the correct answer, some of us not believeing a single word of it. But here are the wise words that our teacher told us after:

"Girls, you are all beautiful. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise." - Sir J

Then yesterday, we were having a talk on nutrition and there was this open forum. Most of the questions asked by my batchmates and by some of the seniors were "self-image" questions. Like "If you were on a diet, what should be lessened meat or rice?" or "What should we do if we want to get whiter?" and so many other questions concerning health, weight, fat and other body image issues.

During the closing remarks, our principal (let's call him Sir F), went to the front of the covered court, and addressed each and every one of us regarding our issues.

"Ladies, you are all as beautiful as you are. Remember that." - Sir F

Three Wishes

While having a snack awhile ago, Mari (my younger brother) suddenly asked me this really random question. "If you had three wishes what would they be?"

To be honest, I don't know. I mean, I could wish for world peace, the end of world hunger, the end of poverty and so on. Then I could also wish for abstract things like happiness, laughter, love and all those other feelings that people long for. I could also wish for more personal things like good health for everyone in my family, or to be able to get into my desired college, or to travel the world, and all those other things that my heart wishes I could achieve. Basically, this list could go on forever.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes, three wishes isn't enough. In your three wishes, you can wish and ask for three more wishes, but it just doesn't work that way. In life, we're sometimes given three wishes, ten wishes, 1 wish or no wish at all. We have to make our wish count.

So if you were given three wishes, what would they be?

How to be Alone by Tanya Davis

My mom showed me this video awhile ago. Such a beautiful poem!

"It's okay if no one believes like you."

*I do not own the poem or the video*

Liebster Blog Award

I've just been nominated for the Liebster Blog Award by Rosa Murray , The Moongazer , Divya Bisht, and Erika Anderson! Thank you so much! It means a lot to me that you guys like my blog. :)

A background on the Liebster Blog Award

The Liebster Blog Award is given to upcoming bloggers who have 200 followers or less.The word Liebster is German and means sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome.

Here's the Rules:

1. Each person must post 11 random facts about themselves
2. Answer 11 questions the tagger has given you and give 11 questions for the people you tagged
3. Choose 11 people and link them in your post
4. Tell them you've tagged them
5. Remember, no tag backs

11 Facts About Me
1. I love everything and anything that has to do with numbers. (math nerd)
2. I want to have a dog, but in truth, I am totally afraid of them.
3. I'm very sentimental with my things. I hate throwing or giving away some of my things because of all the memories that are attached to them.
4. Chocolate is my favorite comfort food.
5. I love shopping.
6. I can spend almost the entire day reading.
7. My mom always tells me to stop studying because she thinks that I study too much.
8. My favorite color's purple.
9. I LOVE burgers.
10. If I'm not doing anything during the day, I either eat or sleep.
11. I love taking pictures of people and things.

11 Questions from Rosa Murray
1. What is your favorite book?
          I love reading, so usually my current favorite book would be the last book that I read.  But I have to say that my  all time favorite would be The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen.

2. Reader Writer or both?

          Both. Reading and writing are what make me happy. :)

3. How often do you read?

           As much as possible, everyday.

4. Which season is your favourite?

           In my country, we only have two seasons, summer and the rainy season. I love the rainy season the most because there's just something about the rain that I love.

5. Paranormal or Cotemporary?

           Contemporary.

6. Which Author would you like to spend a with?

            Lauren Oliver.

7. If you were stuck on an island with which character would you like to be stuck?

             Colin Singleton from The Abundance of Katherines by John Green. We could talk about math and theorems all day!

8. Bad Boys or Good Guys?

              Good guys.

9. Favourite quote?

             “There comes a time when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you'd better learn the sound of it. Otherwise you'll never understand what it's saying.” - Sarah Dessen ♥

10. What will you read next?

               The Girl with a Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson.
11.  Are you addicted to blogging?
                Haha I guess so. =))

11 Questions from The Moongazer
1. What is your greatest fear?
               That one day I will grow old and forget all the memories that I made and all the things that happened to me.
2. If you were to make something out of play-dough right now, what would it be?
               A house.
3. Do you like bumblebees?
              Not really. I'm kind of scared of them.
4. Where do squirrels go during hurricanes?
              They hide in the trees or in caves?
5. What is your favourite colour?
               Purple. :D
6. Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?
              I did. Haha kidding. I love cookies!
7. What season describes you best?
             The rainy season. I can get very moody at times.
8. What was the last beverage you drank?
            Water.
9. What if tomorrow never comes?
            Then we have to make the most of today.
10. Favourite movie of yours?
            A Walk to Remember or Annie.
11. Where are you?
           In my parent's room.

11 Questions from Divya Bisht
1. Which is your favourite hang out place?

           There's this calachuchi walk in our school where me and my friends always hang out.
2. Who is your favourite author?

           Sarah Dessen
3. Who is you idol in life?

           Mother Mary.
4. When is your birthday?

           May 22. :)
5. What comes to your mind when you hear the word "books"?

           Reading. Something that I love doing.

6. Do you have a Goodreads account? If yes, what is the thing you like about this site the most?

            Yes. That we get to keep track of all our books and the books that we read. It also helps us connect with fellow bookworms out there.

7. Which is the favourite social networking site according to you?
            Twitter.

8. Tea or coffee?

            Coffee.
9. What are your educational qualifications?
             I graduated from grade school and I'm currently in third year high school.
10. Books or movies?
             Books.

11. Which is your favourite ice-cream?

           Coffe flavored ice-cream.

11 Questions from Erika Anderson

1. Do you have a favorite book character?
           Yup! Colin Singleton from The Abundance of Katherines.

2. If you could meet an author who would it be? Why?

            I answered this in one of the previous questions and I would like to meet Lauren Oliver.

3. Do you ever dream about a book?

            YES. All the time.

4. Have you ever hated a book but loved the movie?

            No. I love books more than movies.

5. Do you like listening to music while you read?

            Not really. Reading books and listening to music are like my "me" time. But for some reason, the idea of listening to music while reading doesn't really appeal to me.

6. Do you ever wish your life was like a book? If so what book?

            Yes. All books with happy endings.

7. How many books do you read per year?

             I don't count them. I reread a lot of books so if I count those books that I reread then it would be about a hundred or so.

8. Do you like going to the bookstore or the library?

             Bookstore. There's a wider array of books there.

9. What's the funniest book you've ever read?

             To be honest, I don't know...

10. Have you ever hated a book the first time you read it but then the second time you read it you loved it?

             Hmmm... Not really because if I don't like a book, then I sometimes don't bother reading it again.

11. How do you organize your bookshelf?

             By genre, then by author, then by the year of publication. :)
Blogs I'm Tagging:
  1. Poetic License
  2. Little ♥ Hyuts
  3. Love ... Life ... and Lies ...
  4. My Love Affair With ...
  5. The Light in the Attic
  6. Helping Hearts
  7. Being Yourself Leads to Infinite Greatness
  8. Could be better . Could be worse .
  9. Mommy's Musings
  10. **QWERTY**
  11. Life is Like My Dog , Unpredictable

My Questions for all of you! :)
  1. If you could get lost in any place in the world, where would it be?
  2. What is your dream destination?
  3. If you were stuck on an island and could only bring one thing, what would it be?
  4. Describe yourself in one word.
  5. Choose: clothes, books or gadgets?
  6. What book have you read and you wish that you wrote it?
  7. What's your favorite past time?
  8. If you could un-read any book that you read in the past, what would it be?
  9. How old were you when you read your first pocketbook?
  10. Would you rather stay home or go out?
  11. What's your favorite food?

To the people I've nominated, I hope you enjoy this! :)

Welcome to Judgement Year

In total, I've had only 7 school days so far. Doesn't seem like much, right? Haha was I ever wrong. In the 7 school days that we've had, we already had 2 research papers, 2 reportings, and 1 impromptu speech. Oh not to mention dozens of reading assignments as well. Not that I didn't expect this. During the assembly on the first day of school, our teachers kept on mentioning about how third year will be way harder than any other year because this is the year that all colleges will look at in determining whether we will be accepted or not. Haha pressure much?

Okay, I'm not here to rant about how busy I am. No one needs to hear that. Besides, it's third year. I kind of expected that. I guess I'm just here to say, that maybe now is the time. Maybe now is the time for me to work harder, to do my best. After all, this is the most important year of high school. I might as well make the most out of it.

So I may be complaining today. But I'm not taking any of this for granted. I'll do my best, study hard, and be the best kind of student I can be.

I hope I can do this. Welcome to judgement year, for me.

Just Don't

Just don't.

Don't tell me to hurry up when you're so slow.

Don't tell me that you hate waiting when you make me wait all the time.

Don't tell me that I'm being irresponsible when you can barely remember to do anything.

Don't tell me that I'm messy when you can't even keep your things in order.

Don't tell me that I'm being illogical when you don't know the whole story.

Don't tell me that I'm stupid when nothing that you say makes sense.

Don't tell me that I'm wrong when you don't know everything.

Don't tell me that I'm being rude when all I did was stick up for myself.

Don't tell me that I cry too much when you don't know how much I've been hurt.

Don't tell me that I'm a hypocrite when that's all you've ever been.

Don't tell me that I'm short when you know that it's nothing that I can control. You're just looking for a fight. Height doesn't define who you are.

Don't tell me that I'm fat when you don't know how insecure I really am.

Don't tell me that I'm ugly when you don't know how many nights I stay up late stressed about everything.

Don't judge me when you don't even know my story.

Choosing Our Path

Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to fulfill all my dreams in life. Will I have time to do it? Will I be capable of doing it? Will it be worth it? When the time comes, will I even want to do it? It is usually during these times when I have to take stock of my life.  I wish that I can do everything but then I realize that I have to choose what I can and cannot do. I have to choose what will be worth it and what won't.

Sometimes I choose the right one, sometimes I don't. But that's the beauty of it. We make mistakes but we learn from them. If we learn from them, then those experiences weren't a waste. In fact, they make us a better person. And that's what matters.

You are in Control

I'll be starting school in a few days and I have to say that this has been one of the most rollercoaster like summers ever. I've shed my own set of tears, laughed 'till I could barely breathe, shouted 'till my voice cracked, and so much more.

There have been so many times when I'm just sitting down and I start crying out of the blue because I made so many mistakes. I always remind myself of how foolish I am, of how people can easily hurt me with just a single word, of how absurd my decisions can be, of how little I mean to this world, of how I have so many dreams but know that I can't achieve them, and so many more things that bombard my mind and making me realize how big of a failure I really am.

But I kept on going. I realized that life goes on. Sometimes I forget how lucky I really am. How blessed I am to have received so many blessings in life. But then there are times when we just want to give up, when we feel as if we're drowning in our own misery. I've been there a lot of times. Not just during this summer, but way before that. Back when I was younger and couldn't handle any of this. But I guess now that I'm older, I finally realized everything.

This is me. This is my life. This is my world. This is my misery. I can make my sadness disappear if I want to. I am in control.

We don't need to remind ourselves of how we didn't say the right thing, of how we were too late, of how we made the wrong move and so much more. We don't need to remind ourselves of our mistakes in the past because that's just it. It's the past. It's done. You can't erase it. It's going to be with us for the rest of our lives. But the past isn't there to haunt us of our mistakes in the future. The past is there to help us learn from our mistakes so we can have a better future.

After so many years, this summer of 2012, made me finally realize something that was just staring me in the face: we are in control of our life. Not our past, not society, not our haters. Us. We have the control. We are the only ones who can change our life. No one else.

What's Wrong?

I've been having these dreams lately... These dreams where I'm running away from people chasing me. They were bad people, if not bad people, people that I met long ago but lost touch with them. What does that mean?

I dreamt of you last night. We were running away from someone. I don't remember who we were running away from, but we were with Lolo. We were climbing this long stairwell which we didn't know where it would lead to. It was weird because every now and then, the stairs had missing steps so every few minutes, Lolo would help us both climb the stairs in the parts that were missing. Halfway through, you stopped. You told me that you couldn't do it anymore. I didn't understand what you meant but then Lolo started crying in front of me. The last thing that I remember is you crying out for me to help you.

Next thing I knew, I woke up.

What does that mean? Are you in pain? Do you need help? Is there something that you want me to do? It's the first time that I dreamt of you since my birthday and I can't help but think that something's wrong. I hope you're okay.

One Month Down, Forever to Go

May 6, 2012 - I woke up at around 6:30 in the morning. I didn't want to get up, but there was this nagging feeling in my stomach, which I purposefully ignored. Then as I was drifting off to sleep again, I heard the car horn. My eyes jolted open, and I knew...... You were gone.

June 6, 2012

It's been a month... One long month. If one month felt this long, then how am I supposed to last forever? Nothing's changed. I still cry myself to sleep every night. I still mope around all day. Will I ever get a decent sleep at night without being plagued by all my dreams? Will things ever be back to normal? Will I ever be happy again?

I told myself that I'm going to let go. I told myself that this is what you want for me. So I tried. I tried to let go, and for a moment there, I did. But that's not the point. Letting go is easy, I realized that. But it's the moving on that's painful. And I don't think I'll be able to move on. Not today, not tomorrow, not next week or next month. Will I ever move on? Or will I be like this for the rest of my life?

Nothing's the same anymore. Lolo's not the same happy and cheerful person that he was before. I see him all the time, with his swollen eyes. I can see all the pain that he's going through. He misses you. I miss you too. And there's nothing we can do. I'm sure you see me all the time, when Lolo goes out, I sit in your room, on your bed, and cry. I talk to you a lot, before I sleep, I cry then too. I know you don't like it when I cry, but right now, it's all I can do.

Lola, I'm going to be third year! I remember during the start of this summer, you were saying how proud you were of me that I qualified for the top 15% of MTG, and that I finished second year as an academic awardee. Remember what you said when I told you that? "Ang galing naman! Study hard ha. So that you'll be able to travel to Europe and be happy." (That's so great! Study hard, okay? So that you'll be able to travel to Europe and be happy.) Lola, I'll study hard. I promise. Even if I don't want to, if I'm asked to join MTG again, I will. Because I know it's what you want me to do.

During the last day of the wake, right after the program, someone told me, I don't remember who, but it was one of my titas and she said, "Don't cry because it's gone, smile because it happened." But I don't think I can do that, Lola. I don't think I can smile because............... because you're not here with me anymore. I know it's selfish for me to keep on wanting you to come back when I know that you're not in pain anymore, but I just can't help myself.

I miss you. It's just not the same without you. Come back, please? I don't think I can last forever.

If we could only turn back time...

 

I love you, Lola. Every day, every minute of every day, I'm thinking of you. I'll do my very best to make you proud of me.

Music Monday

It's Monday today. Exactly 10 more days until my first day of junior year. Am I excited? Yup. Nervous? You bet. Worrying out of my mind? I totally am.

So basically, to come down my nerves, all I've been doing today is listening to a few of my favorite songs on my iPod.

My Music Monday Playlist:
I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz
Moments by One Direction
A Place in this World by Taylor Swift
Payphone ft. Wiz Khalifa by Maroon 5
There is a Light that Never Goes Out by The Smiths
What are You Waiting For by Miranda Cosgrove
Out of My League by Stephen Speaks
We'll Be A Dream by We the Kings
I Want it That Way by Backstreet Boys
Absolutely (Story of a Girl) by Nine Days
King of Anything by Sara Bareilles
Fix You by Coldplay
Breakeven by The Script
Anyway by Martina McBride
Say It Again by Marie Digby

*I do not own any of these songs or videos*

The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen

I was thinking about this book last night, or rather this morning (because it was 1 am and I was trying to sleep), and until the last moment that I was awake, this book was all that I was thinking about. This isn't a book review, but I'm more of just saying why I love this book so much. I just want to emphasize the message of this book. I read this book when I was 12, the second book that I read of Sarah Dessen, but I have to say that this was and still is my absolute favorite book of all time.

“We'd start slow, the way we always did, because the run, and the game, could go on for awhile. Maybe even forever. That was the thing. You just never knew. Forever was so many different things. It was always changing, it was what everything was really all about. It was twenty minutes, or a hundred years, or just this instant, or any instant I wished would last and last. But there was only one truth about forever that really mattered, and that was this: it was happening. Right then, as I ran with Wes into that bright sun, and every moment afterwards. Look, there. Now. Now. Now.”  

It's a perfect book to describe what's going on in every teenager's mind when he or she is trying to discover themselves in a world where they are looked down on and taken for granted.

I think Sarah Dessen really hit it hard when she said that forever is happening right now. And I agree with her; forever is this very moment that we're in. We can't take it back, so we have to make it count.

To You

Sometimes all it takes is one person to brighten up your day. To that person (I know you can see this because you said that you check my blog everyday), you know who you are, thank you. Thank you for listening to everything that I have to say even if what I'm saying has no coherent meaning to it anymore. Thank you for being patient with me when all I did was whine and weep. Thank you for making me laugh even through my tears.

"You don't always have to be so strong." - Thank you for telling me this when I was at my weakest.

Thank you for being there. Especially now, when I needed it the most.

A Letter to My 30-year Old Self

*wrote this at around 2 in the morning because I couldn't sleep*

Hi. This is kind of weird, talking to an older version of myself, but here goes.

Do you remember the time when we were in first grade and they had this big ramp in school, and it was really popular for us first graders to run down the ramp with our trolley bags in the fastest possible way? Do you remember that day when I was running down the ramp and I suddenly toppled over and fell head first on the ground?

I do. All these years, I've always thought about that moment and why I still chose to continue on with that tradition, even after my accident. I guess it's because I loved the sensation that I'd experience while running down the ramp. The wind in your hair, that big goofy smile on your face, the adrenaline that you'd get. In short, the little naive 6-year old girl that I was, wanted to know how it felt like to fly. I hope you still think about that day.

It's been 15 years... I hope you're still not the same gullible, insecure, worrywart girl that I am right now. I hope you've changed.

Do you still write? How are mom and dad? What places have you been to? Did you get where you wanted to go? I have so much to ask you about your life but I guess I'll just have to wait.

But I do have to ask you one thing... Are you happy? I really hope you are. I really hope you won't need an Emmett Brown to invent a time machine for you just so you can undo all the mistakes that you/I made in the past. I hope you don't have any regrets. :)

One day, I'm going to be 30 just like you. But I hope that even then, I'll still have that same little naive 6-year old girl inside of me, with her hair flying wildly around her face and this big goofy smile. But this time, I won't just be on the ground, ready to fly at any moment. This time, I'll be up in the air, soaring like an eagle, playing in the clouds.

Happiness Comes from Within, Not from Men

I watched Tangled last night and I have to say that Rapunzel is one of my favorite princesses. Well, next to Mulan, of course. I loved the movie Tangled not just because I've spent almost my entire childhood years fantasizing over princesses, but I loved the fact that Rapunzel was the type of person who didn't really rely on her "Prince Charming" to find her happy ending.

Yes, she called on the help of Flynn Rider or his alter-ego, Eugene Fitzherbert. Yes, she couldn't have achieved her dream without him. But compared to other Disney princesses, whose "happily ever after" was to live in a big castle, married to their "Prince Charming," Rapunzel's dream wasn't even close to their dreams. Rapunzel wanted to go see the lights that she always saw floating outside her window on her birthday. She was curious and intrigued by what she saw every year, and that was what led to her dream. Not some prince who lived in a big castle.

That's the reason why I love Rapunzel, Mulan and Tiana (from The Princess and the Frog) so much. They're all Disney princesses who didn't need a Prince Charming to have a "happily ever after." They didn't succumb to the conclusion that you need a prince to be happy.  And I think they are the true types of princesses that every girl should aspire to be. I think that little girls should aspire to become princesses who have dreams of changing the world.

Rapunzel: "I've been looking out of a window for eighteen years, dreaming about what I might feel like when those lights rise in the sky. What if it's not everything I dreamed it would be?"

Flynn Rider: "It will be."

Rapunzel: "And what if it is? What do I do then?"

Flynn Rider: "Well that's the good part, I guess. You get to go find a new dream."

It's Only a Day Away

Ever since I was younger, my absoulte favorite movie was, and still is, Annie. I watched the 1999 version first, but the 1982 version is my favorite. I used to watch both versions all the time and they never fail to bring me to tears. It's the musical of an orphan who was left at the Municipal Girls Orphanage by her parents when she was just a baby. She experienced a lot of hardships in that orphanage because of Miss Hannigan then she was taken in for a week at a billionaire's, Oliver Warbucks, home and from there her life changed. I'm not going to really emphasize much on the story except that the songs were my absolute favorite. I loved Maybe and It's the Hard-Knock Life. But my absolute favorite of all was definitely Tomorrow.

I remember the first few times that I watched it. I'd sing Tomorrow whenever I'd get the chance. I once imagined how I would be like if I were in Annie's situation. Would I just sit there and mope around all day, following all of Miss Hannigan's orders and saying that infamous line of "I love you, Miss Hannigan!" (sarcasm included) ? Or would I be like Annie, and try my best to get out of that horrible place? To be honest, being the stickler to the rules that I am, I might just do the first...

"So maybe now this prayer's the last one of it's kind. Won't you please get your baby." - Maybe

Now that I'm older, I finally realized why I absolutely love this musical. It wasn't just the catchy songs or the dancing, but it was that Annie taught me something that I think every little girl should learn. Annie taught me to hope. She taught me to be optimistic. She was in the worst possible situation ever and she still found a way to get out of it. She still believed that one day, her parents will come back for her.

"The sun'll come out, tomorrow. So ya gotta hang on 'til tomorrow. Come what may. Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya tomorrow! You're always a day away." - Tomorrow

She believed in tomorrow.

Insomnia

I'm trying my best to move on, to let go like I said I would....

I don't think I can. I never was an insomniac but lately I've been acting like one. I've had endless sleepless nights wherein I sleep late, wake up early... I'm still as big as a mess that I've ever been. I'm trying my best to stay strong. To stay strong in front of my little brother, who hates it when I cry, and in front of my mom, who might start crying if I start crying. But I can't do it anymore. I'm sick and tired of being strong. I don't think I can take it anymore. Sooner or later, I know I'll end up breaking down... And I don't want it to happen like the first one did.....

I've spent a lot of time thinking the past few nights, ever since my birthday. I feel like you're trying to tell me something... Is this just wishful thinking? Or is there something you really want to tell me?

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I really hope it's the latter one.

I'm That Girl

I’m the girl who prefers one rose instead of a dozen. I’m the girl who would rather stay in on a Friday night than go to a wild party with random strangers. I’m the girl who wouldn’t make you wait on her hand and foot, but would do anything to make you happy. I’m the girl who would enjoy having a movie night rather than going out to some fancy restaurant. I’m the girl who would rather stay up all night sharing secrets with you than going out and getting drunk. I’m the girl who won’t make you hold her bags, but would rather hold your hand instead. I’m the girl who will love you more than anyone can possibly dream of. I’m the girl who would give the world to see you smile. I’m the girl who cries herself to sleep at night thinking of you, when i know I’m the last thing on your mind. Yeah, I’m that girl.

Catch Me........ If You Can

I feel like I'm falling. Falling faster and faster by the minute and there's no one around to catch me because you were the one who was supposed to catch me. You always have. But you're gone now. And little by little, I feel like I'm losing myself. Losing my identity. Losing who I am. I'm losing my patience with everyone around me. Losing my patience with every little thing. Because right now, at this very moment, I have absolutely nothing.

Because you're not here with me.

I miss you. If only I could wake up tomorrow morning, and you'd still be here. Maybe you could catch me? Save me from falling into this dark and endless pit?
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I guess not.

Because Dreams Are Meant to be Fulfilled

Admit it. We all have our dreams. May it be a dream to qualify for a certain occupation, or a dream to travel to a certain place, or a dream to make a certain discovery or whatever dream we like. We all have them. But we have to remember that God gives us opportunities to fulfill those dreams everyday. All we have to do is take it.

We don't need to make a wish on shooting stars or on 11:11, and we don't need the good luck of four leaf clovers, or the good luck of February 29, or lucky numbers, or anything of that sort. All we need to do is believe.

Dreams aren't meant to sit high up on a pedestal, way out of our reach. Dreams are supposed to be right here with us, ready to be grabbed at any time.

Follow your dreams everybody, because dreams are meant to be fulfilled.

I am Thankful For...

I am thankful for my mom, who's been with me through everything, has never failed to take care of me, and who loves me for me.

I am thankful for my dad, who never fails to make me laugh and for teaching me to always do the right thing.

I am thankful for Arik, my older brother, who even though we fight, has taught me to be strong for myself.

I am thankful for Mari, my younger brother, who loves me even if I've done him so much wrong.

I am thankful for my lola, both of them, though they may not be here anymore, they have taught me to be the best person that I can be. I know they are watching over me.

I am thankful for my Lolo Papa, who stayed so strong and optimistic for all of us.
I am thankful for my Lolo Daddy, though I do not remember much about him, I do remember the fun times that we had in T.G.I. Fridays.

I am thankful for my friends, who are way too many to mention here, for never failing to put a smile on my face and for doing their best to accept me for who I really am.

I am thankful for my school, for providing me with the knowledge that will help me succeed in life.

I am thankful for my teachers, for teaching me that not everything in life can be learned in bullet point format.

I am thankful for you, the people who read my blog, for encouraging me to keep up with my writing even when I didn't believe in myself.

I am thankful to God, for never failing to waking me up everyday and for giving me the chance to meet these people who have touched my heart in different ways.

Loving Yourself

A few days ago, I was watching a replay of Glee with my brother. The episode that we were watching was when they were preparing for Nationals. There was this part where Coach Bieste was having an argument with her abusive husband, Cooter. She told Cooter that she wanted to leave him. Cooter then got up and started yelling at her. And he asked her, "Who's gonna love you like I do?" Then Coach Bieste answers, "Me."

I think that was the best statement of the season.

We can't truly love anyone else if we don't love ourselves first. I'm not the type of person to go on and on about wanting someone to love me. About wanting to find that special someone. That soulmate. Honestly, I'm more concerned about how I will accept that I'm not perfect. I'm a perfectionist. I want everything to be perfect. I can list down all my flaws and insecurities and try to change that, and I still won't be happy. But recently, I've come to accept that no one can be perfect. The important thing is that we love ourselves despite that.

Nobody can truly love us if we do not love ourselves first. We don't need a husband, or a wife, or any life partner to love us. The only thing we need is for us to love ourselves.

And we need to love ourselves despite our imperfections. 

Taking Chances

My favorite quote of all time:

Never be afraid to take chances. You'll never know, it may be your last.

Forever Young

Do you remember wanting to run through the plains of Africa with Simba? Swing through the jungle with Tarzan? Go to the enchanted castle with Belle? Go to the ball with Cinderella? Ride a magic carpet with Alladin? Save China with Mulan? Shrink to toy size to play with Buzz and Woody? Turn into mer-people and go under the sea with Ariel? I do. I remember wanting to do all of that. And sometimes, I still wish I could.

In a few weeks I will be entering my junior year in high school and to be honest, it absolutely scares me. Here in the Philippines, your third year in high school is the most important and the most diffuclt year. It's the year that most colleges nationwide will look at. Your grades in this year will make or break your college career. It will determine whether or not you will get into your desired college with your desired course. Basically, this year, you have to be at your best.

To be honest, I don't think I'm ready to grow up. People say that I act older than my age. That I'm very responsible for someone my age. But I don't think I'm ready to accept the fact that this is my reality. That sooner or later, I'm going to have to grow up and live my life on my own.

I wanna be forever young.

Because I Miss You.

I turned 15 today. I always thought that you'd be here for my 15th. You even told me that we'd travel to Europe for my 18th. And it pains me to think that you won't see me graduate hight school. Or (hopefully) get into Ateneo. Or be with me to travel the world like we always said we would. You won't get to see Mari and Arik graduate from grade school and college as well.

I miss you. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss the way your eyes would light up when you'd see me. I misss those times when you'd laughingly tell me to eat more. I miss your annual "Happy Birthday" texts even if you were already living with us.

I still feel your presence sometimes. I feel you tucking me into bed at night. I felt you holding my hand yesterday when I was having my ear checked. I heard your voice in my head last Thursday telling me to take care of Mari. I felt your presence watching over Mari when he was having his cast put on. I heard your voice last night urging me to sleep when I was reading. I heard your voice in my head telling me what to choose when I went shopping today. In everything that I bought today, I imagined what your reaction would be once you'd see it.

I know you're watching over me, Lola. I know you're keeping me safe. You kept Mari safe by not making his fracture worse than it could've been. You're keeping Arik safe while he's in Baguio. I know that you're taking care of us.

I'm still sad that you're gone, Lola. But I know you'll always be here for me. I love you. I miss you so much. I'm always thinking of you. One day, we'll see each other again. ♥

Happy Endings

Let me start off by saying that I am a teenage girl. I'm turning 15 in a few days. But I am one of those girls who'd rather stay in bed, reading her favorite book, than going out with my friends or partying or whatever. Honestly, there are times when I'd rather live like the character in the books than in my life right now.

Do you want to know why? It's because in a lot of books, or at least in the books that I read, there is always a happy ending. Always. And to be honest, there are times that when I'm reading a book, I get depressed because I wonder, will I ever have a happy ending like Katniss did in The Hunger Games? Or like Percy Jackson did in the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series? Or will I ever find my Personal Legend like Santiago in The Alchemist?

But reading books also taught me that to fulfill my dream, to find happiness, I have to act. Katniss wasn't able to survive and fight in The Hunger Games if she didn't stay true to who she was. Percy Jackson wasn't able to defeat Kronos if he didn't fight for what he thought was right. And Santiago wasn't able to find his Personal Legend if he didn't travel to where he wanted to go and listened to the omens.

All I'm saying is that maybe we can all have our happy endings one day. We'll have to go through hardships and pain, that's for sure, but I think, one way or another, we all DESERVE to be happy. And we all CAN be happy.

They say that your destiny is already written for you, but sometimes you have to just grab a pen and be your own author.

For My Grandmother

To get up in the morning only to know you have to face another obstacle, takes strength. To smile when the only thing you can do is cry, takes bravery. To act happy and laugh when you know that times are at their worst, takes courage. To be joyous when the only good news is the best of bad news, takes support. To be there and help others, throughout the rough times in life, takes love. You, my grandmother, had every single one of those traits and you never failed to show them to me in all the days of my life. And I thank you for that.

Every once in a while, the fact that you're actually gone hits me. And it hits me hard. There are some days when I just lie awake thinking and staring at my ceiling, and I start to remember all the memories and all those times that you were there for me, those moments when you believed in me when no one else did and because of what you've done for me, I'm where I am today. I'm who I am because of everything you've taught me. You've always told me to keep my head up and to keep trying, you told me that one day I would achieve whatever dream I have, even if I, myself, felt like giving up.

You fought for your life and during those times I wish I was the one suffering instead of you because it hurt me so much to see you in pain. I prayed everyday hoping you would make it, hoping you would get through this, and the day you passed away hurt me so much because you made such a big impact on my life. When you left, you took a huge part of me away, and I don't think I'll ever be the same again.

But I'm going to make it one day for you, I promise. I miss you. Don't worry, I'll make you proud.

To My Mother, My Grandmother, and All Those Mothers Out There

"All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother." - Abraham Lincoln

Happy Mothers day to all the mothers out there!

I'm sure everyone would agree with me that a mother's love for her child would possibly be the best kind of love out there. A mother loves us even when we are unlovable. She loves us even if we do not make her proud. She loves us even if we have nothing to offer her. She loves us even if we hurt her. She loves us for who we are. A mother loves us unconditionally.

To my mom, thank you for loving me even if I've put you through so much. Thank you for loving me despite the fact that I hurt you at times. Thank you for accepting me for who I am. I love you, Mommy.

To my late grandmother, thank you for loving me even if I'm not the granddaughter that you want me to be. Don't worry, I'll do my best to make you proud. I miss you. I'll always be thinking of you.

When all else fails and you have no one else to turn to, go to your mother. You'll always be welcome.

When Will It End?

The past week has been one of the longest weeks I've ever had. It made me wonder, is this how it feels like when you lose someone you love? As if time was suddenly on slow motion? Well, that's how I feel now.

I wonder when all this will end... I've been crying myself to sleep for the past five days. And it hurts me to think that my grandmother's gone. She was one of the few people who understood me, who loved me despite my imperfections. She made me be the person who I am today.

To be honest, I still can't accept the fact that she's gone.

:(

Not all things are meant to last forever.

We shouldn't take anything for granted. Because nothing lasts forever. Sooner or later, we may lose the things that are most important to us. We'll never know when everything might end. It can come unexpectedly. In the blink of an eye. We'll never know.

Never Judge a Book By It's Cover

For all those people who have judged me and put me down in the past.

We are humans. We all have our flaws, our imperfections. We've all looked at ourselves in the mirror asking our reflection, "Why can't I be perfect?" or "Why do I have to look like this?" But I think we're all beautiful in our own little way. All our flaws and imperfections make us who we are and I don't think anyone has the right to judge someone by the way they look.

You'll never know a person's true story if you haven't experienced what their life is like. And even then, your feelings and their feelings wouldn't be the same.

"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect - and I don't live to be. But before you point your fingers, make sure your hands are clean."  - Bob Marley

And for me, the best revenge to someone who has judged you, put you down your entire life and repeatedly told you that you can't do it; is to stand up, look them in the eye, and say, "Watch me."

Lessons in Life

In less than a month, I will be turning 15 and will be entering my junior year in high school. To be honest, I still think of myself as a 10-year old girl, as a child. But I know, that in my 15 years of existence, I learned a thing or two about living life.

If I could sum up all my experiences in my (almost) 15 years it would be: expectation and disappointment. Let's just say that I expected a lot. That's an understatement. I expected too much from the people close to me and from myself as well. I was disappointed in myself because I didn’t act the way I should have. I didn’t take any risks. I didn’t live in the moment. To make it simple, I lived a life of disappointment. I’m disappointed in those endless days of procrastination during the school year when I could have done something productive. I’m disappointed because I put a lot of opportunities to waste. I’m disappointed because of the fact that I’m always so scared. I’m disappointed because I should have said how I really felt. I’m disappointed because I was, and still am, always dwelling on the past.

My biggest disappointment was that I didn’t say what I should have said. I didn’t say what I should have said to my mom, my dad, my brothers, my cousins, my friends, and to everyone else… Looking back, I can’t stop thinking of all my what ifs. What if I said the right thing? What if I studied yesterday instead of surfing on the internet? What if I chose to do this instead of that? What if I fought back? What if I turned right instead of left? What if I stopped being so scared all the time?

What if I stopped dwelling on the past and start living my life again?

But recently, I learned that I should take every opportunity that I get. I should not think too much on whether it’s worth it or not and just take it. If it was worth it, then good, I learned something new. If it wasn’t worth it, then it’s okay because I will learn from my mistake. It may be a risk to do certain things because what if it doesn’t work out? But you’ll never know what if it does?

I learned that change is unavoidable. People change. I don’t like change, especially if it’s a good situation turning into a bad one. We shouldn’t really dwell on change because that’s how life is. Ironically, the only permanent thing in the world is change. So I learned that we should accept the change, move on, and make the best of our current situation.

My (almost) 15 yeats taught me that I should stop being so scared. I should stop being afraid of everything because it will affect my outlook on how I make decisions. I should stop being so scared because you won’t get anything out of being scared and always choosing to do the safer thing. Taylor Swift has always been, and will forever be my idol because she took the risk. She was afraid, but she didn't opt to do the same thing. And she said, “Being fearless isn’t being 100% not fearful, it’s being terrified but you want to jump anyway.” She’s right. We mustn’t let our fears hinder us from laughing our heart out, loving to our heart’s content, dancing like there’s no tomorrow and living our life to the fullest.

We shouldn’t let our fears stop us from being happy.

The Square Root of 3

I am a math nerd. I love anything and everything to do with math. I came upon this poem, The Square Root of 3 by Dave Feinberg, when I watched a clip of it in Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay and I absolutely loved it. ♥

I hope you enjoy it!

The Square Root of 3
 by Dave Feinberg

I’m sure that I will always be
 A lonely number like root three

The three is all that’s good and right,
 Why must my three keep out of sight
 Beneath the vicious square root sign,
 I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
 with just some quick arithmetic

I know I’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
 Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
 Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
 Together now we multiply
 To form a number we prefer,
 Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
 With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
 Your love for me has been renewed.

What If

I know it's been a year since I've written and I've just been very busy with schoolwork and stuff. I promise to write more!

Here's a little quote that I read that you may want to ponder on.

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." -Thomas Edison

If we do not try, then we will spend our whole lives living in regret. I'd rather be the person to say "What if I didn't..." than to say "What if..."It is a whole lot better to learn a lesson than to live a life in regret.