One Month Down, Forever to Go

May 6, 2012 - I woke up at around 6:30 in the morning. I didn't want to get up, but there was this nagging feeling in my stomach, which I purposefully ignored. Then as I was drifting off to sleep again, I heard the car horn. My eyes jolted open, and I knew...... You were gone.

June 6, 2012

It's been a month... One long month. If one month felt this long, then how am I supposed to last forever? Nothing's changed. I still cry myself to sleep every night. I still mope around all day. Will I ever get a decent sleep at night without being plagued by all my dreams? Will things ever be back to normal? Will I ever be happy again?

I told myself that I'm going to let go. I told myself that this is what you want for me. So I tried. I tried to let go, and for a moment there, I did. But that's not the point. Letting go is easy, I realized that. But it's the moving on that's painful. And I don't think I'll be able to move on. Not today, not tomorrow, not next week or next month. Will I ever move on? Or will I be like this for the rest of my life?

Nothing's the same anymore. Lolo's not the same happy and cheerful person that he was before. I see him all the time, with his swollen eyes. I can see all the pain that he's going through. He misses you. I miss you too. And there's nothing we can do. I'm sure you see me all the time, when Lolo goes out, I sit in your room, on your bed, and cry. I talk to you a lot, before I sleep, I cry then too. I know you don't like it when I cry, but right now, it's all I can do.

Lola, I'm going to be third year! I remember during the start of this summer, you were saying how proud you were of me that I qualified for the top 15% of MTG, and that I finished second year as an academic awardee. Remember what you said when I told you that? "Ang galing naman! Study hard ha. So that you'll be able to travel to Europe and be happy." (That's so great! Study hard, okay? So that you'll be able to travel to Europe and be happy.) Lola, I'll study hard. I promise. Even if I don't want to, if I'm asked to join MTG again, I will. Because I know it's what you want me to do.

During the last day of the wake, right after the program, someone told me, I don't remember who, but it was one of my titas and she said, "Don't cry because it's gone, smile because it happened." But I don't think I can do that, Lola. I don't think I can smile because............... because you're not here with me anymore. I know it's selfish for me to keep on wanting you to come back when I know that you're not in pain anymore, but I just can't help myself.

I miss you. It's just not the same without you. Come back, please? I don't think I can last forever.

If we could only turn back time...

 

I love you, Lola. Every day, every minute of every day, I'm thinking of you. I'll do my very best to make you proud of me.