Going Back

I'm going to Baguio tomorrow. To visit your house. To see your things.
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I honestly don't know if I should be happy about this or not.

I still think about you. Help me, please? And Arik and Mari too? We're all going through some tough times right now and we need your help. I miss you.

That Moment

That moment when you get home from school and there's no one there to meet you by the front door.

That moment when you get home and you realize that you're too late.

Tu me manques.

What's Wrong?

I've been having these dreams lately... These dreams where I'm running away from people chasing me. They were bad people, if not bad people, people that I met long ago but lost touch with them. What does that mean?

I dreamt of you last night. We were running away from someone. I don't remember who we were running away from, but we were with Lolo. We were climbing this long stairwell which we didn't know where it would lead to. It was weird because every now and then, the stairs had missing steps so every few minutes, Lolo would help us both climb the stairs in the parts that were missing. Halfway through, you stopped. You told me that you couldn't do it anymore. I didn't understand what you meant but then Lolo started crying in front of me. The last thing that I remember is you crying out for me to help you.

Next thing I knew, I woke up.

What does that mean? Are you in pain? Do you need help? Is there something that you want me to do? It's the first time that I dreamt of you since my birthday and I can't help but think that something's wrong. I hope you're okay.

One Month Down, Forever to Go

May 6, 2012 - I woke up at around 6:30 in the morning. I didn't want to get up, but there was this nagging feeling in my stomach, which I purposefully ignored. Then as I was drifting off to sleep again, I heard the car horn. My eyes jolted open, and I knew...... You were gone.

June 6, 2012

It's been a month... One long month. If one month felt this long, then how am I supposed to last forever? Nothing's changed. I still cry myself to sleep every night. I still mope around all day. Will I ever get a decent sleep at night without being plagued by all my dreams? Will things ever be back to normal? Will I ever be happy again?

I told myself that I'm going to let go. I told myself that this is what you want for me. So I tried. I tried to let go, and for a moment there, I did. But that's not the point. Letting go is easy, I realized that. But it's the moving on that's painful. And I don't think I'll be able to move on. Not today, not tomorrow, not next week or next month. Will I ever move on? Or will I be like this for the rest of my life?

Nothing's the same anymore. Lolo's not the same happy and cheerful person that he was before. I see him all the time, with his swollen eyes. I can see all the pain that he's going through. He misses you. I miss you too. And there's nothing we can do. I'm sure you see me all the time, when Lolo goes out, I sit in your room, on your bed, and cry. I talk to you a lot, before I sleep, I cry then too. I know you don't like it when I cry, but right now, it's all I can do.

Lola, I'm going to be third year! I remember during the start of this summer, you were saying how proud you were of me that I qualified for the top 15% of MTG, and that I finished second year as an academic awardee. Remember what you said when I told you that? "Ang galing naman! Study hard ha. So that you'll be able to travel to Europe and be happy." (That's so great! Study hard, okay? So that you'll be able to travel to Europe and be happy.) Lola, I'll study hard. I promise. Even if I don't want to, if I'm asked to join MTG again, I will. Because I know it's what you want me to do.

During the last day of the wake, right after the program, someone told me, I don't remember who, but it was one of my titas and she said, "Don't cry because it's gone, smile because it happened." But I don't think I can do that, Lola. I don't think I can smile because............... because you're not here with me anymore. I know it's selfish for me to keep on wanting you to come back when I know that you're not in pain anymore, but I just can't help myself.

I miss you. It's just not the same without you. Come back, please? I don't think I can last forever.

If we could only turn back time...

 

I love you, Lola. Every day, every minute of every day, I'm thinking of you. I'll do my very best to make you proud of me.

Because I Miss You.

I turned 15 today. I always thought that you'd be here for my 15th. You even told me that we'd travel to Europe for my 18th. And it pains me to think that you won't see me graduate hight school. Or (hopefully) get into Ateneo. Or be with me to travel the world like we always said we would. You won't get to see Mari and Arik graduate from grade school and college as well.

I miss you. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss the way your eyes would light up when you'd see me. I misss those times when you'd laughingly tell me to eat more. I miss your annual "Happy Birthday" texts even if you were already living with us.

I still feel your presence sometimes. I feel you tucking me into bed at night. I felt you holding my hand yesterday when I was having my ear checked. I heard your voice in my head last Thursday telling me to take care of Mari. I felt your presence watching over Mari when he was having his cast put on. I heard your voice last night urging me to sleep when I was reading. I heard your voice in my head telling me what to choose when I went shopping today. In everything that I bought today, I imagined what your reaction would be once you'd see it.

I know you're watching over me, Lola. I know you're keeping me safe. You kept Mari safe by not making his fracture worse than it could've been. You're keeping Arik safe while he's in Baguio. I know that you're taking care of us.

I'm still sad that you're gone, Lola. But I know you'll always be here for me. I love you. I miss you so much. I'm always thinking of you. One day, we'll see each other again. ♥

For My Grandmother

To get up in the morning only to know you have to face another obstacle, takes strength. To smile when the only thing you can do is cry, takes bravery. To act happy and laugh when you know that times are at their worst, takes courage. To be joyous when the only good news is the best of bad news, takes support. To be there and help others, throughout the rough times in life, takes love. You, my grandmother, had every single one of those traits and you never failed to show them to me in all the days of my life. And I thank you for that.

Every once in a while, the fact that you're actually gone hits me. And it hits me hard. There are some days when I just lie awake thinking and staring at my ceiling, and I start to remember all the memories and all those times that you were there for me, those moments when you believed in me when no one else did and because of what you've done for me, I'm where I am today. I'm who I am because of everything you've taught me. You've always told me to keep my head up and to keep trying, you told me that one day I would achieve whatever dream I have, even if I, myself, felt like giving up.

You fought for your life and during those times I wish I was the one suffering instead of you because it hurt me so much to see you in pain. I prayed everyday hoping you would make it, hoping you would get through this, and the day you passed away hurt me so much because you made such a big impact on my life. When you left, you took a huge part of me away, and I don't think I'll ever be the same again.

But I'm going to make it one day for you, I promise. I miss you. Don't worry, I'll make you proud.

To My Mother, My Grandmother, and All Those Mothers Out There

"All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother." - Abraham Lincoln

Happy Mothers day to all the mothers out there!

I'm sure everyone would agree with me that a mother's love for her child would possibly be the best kind of love out there. A mother loves us even when we are unlovable. She loves us even if we do not make her proud. She loves us even if we have nothing to offer her. She loves us even if we hurt her. She loves us for who we are. A mother loves us unconditionally.

To my mom, thank you for loving me even if I've put you through so much. Thank you for loving me despite the fact that I hurt you at times. Thank you for accepting me for who I am. I love you, Mommy.

To my late grandmother, thank you for loving me even if I'm not the granddaughter that you want me to be. Don't worry, I'll do my best to make you proud. I miss you. I'll always be thinking of you.

When all else fails and you have no one else to turn to, go to your mother. You'll always be welcome.

When Will It End?

The past week has been one of the longest weeks I've ever had. It made me wonder, is this how it feels like when you lose someone you love? As if time was suddenly on slow motion? Well, that's how I feel now.

I wonder when all this will end... I've been crying myself to sleep for the past five days. And it hurts me to think that my grandmother's gone. She was one of the few people who understood me, who loved me despite my imperfections. She made me be the person who I am today.

To be honest, I still can't accept the fact that she's gone.

:(

Not all things are meant to last forever.

We shouldn't take anything for granted. Because nothing lasts forever. Sooner or later, we may lose the things that are most important to us. We'll never know when everything might end. It can come unexpectedly. In the blink of an eye. We'll never know.